???????

  well surprise once again I am sitting her late at night with lots on my mind. Im not sure what to write about I just know I have to talk to someone or im going to go crazy.  The online box of the messenger is empty and the firestation is like a ghost town.  I need sombody who understands me.  The one person that I know for sure will understand me and make this feeling go away is most likely sound asleep a world away.  I hate this feeling

Hey I have something to say here....umm ok maybe not

I am sitting here once again.  I have this feeling I can't get rid of, I feel like I have something important to say.  You have all read my attempts at writing, been subjected to my not so normal humor, and managed to navigate my grammar.  Since I have started this blog I have expressed things I didn’t know I had the ability too and learned things about people I may otherwise still be blind too. 

  I wake up each morning curious to what the day will bring me, what lessons I will be taught.  I tend look at things in a different light these days. The real meaning of a song, talking with my wife, (I mean really talking not just "how You doin") or trying to understand how I can make a difference.  When I joined the Air Force in December of 1995 I did not know that twelve years later I would be spilling blood and leaving tears in the sand of a foreign country.  I saw hope, change, and a chance to grow up.  I will be honest with you I did not join the military to defend my country but, I now have that feeling deep in my bones.  I believe in this country, freedom of speech, and the pursuit of happiness whatever form that may take for us. 

  Is what im doing here making a difference?  Only time, the quality of my children's lives, and the lives of those who we are living amongst and fighting with will tell.  I wish I had some profound new I idea or solution to benefit our society but I don’t. I am not a scholar or a General in command. In the grand scheme of things I guess I don’t have anything to say.  There are a few constants or sure things in my life.  The admiration and love I have for my wife who has taught me so much and gives me the strength to go on.  The hope my children will never have to experience what I have. I will gladly give my life for the protection of my wife,  my children, and yours. I guess when it comes down to it we all justify things in different ways.

 

People watching it's a sport

   People are funny animals.  The human animal has been known to jump to conclusions and make assumptions based on looks. The way a person dresses, skin color, and body language to name a few.  I have always been a people watcher and this drives my wife nuts.  It is part of my nature and has been embedded deeper in my personality and way of life the past few years.  I'm not going to lie I love to sit and watch people.  Give me a cup of coffee, some dark shades, and a good vantage point,  I can be content for awhile.  When I first started doing this (unconsciously I might add.  I never noticed my behavior until my wife pointed it out) I did not try to pick out certain races, religions, or lifestyles.  I was  just intrigued by the many different people that the cross section of America has to offer.  Now this may be seen as rude to some people but that was not my intention.  Different cultures have different styles, looks, and mannerisms.  If I have learned anything over the years from this sport if you will, it is tolerance and acceptance.

  From day one in the military it's like sesame street "one of these kids is doing his own thing, one of these kids is not the same".  We are trained to look for the things that don’t fit in or are out of place.  Nervous people, over/under dressed, bags left unattended etc.  It's a proven fact when 80% of bombings or shootings happen there was something out of place. If that one little thing that most people miss or overlook was detected lives could have been saved. I was prompted to write this post because of just such an incident the other day.  If it had not been for people watching and lure of a mocha that drew me too the coffee shop that morning things may be very different now.  The darting eyes, uneasy stance and some new shoes tipped me and a buddy off to someone ready to do some not so very nice things.

   So the next time you see the eyes of someone at your table wandering don’t automatically think they are profiling, singling out someone, or looking down upon someone.  When I enter a restaurant, club, or mall some very basic things are usually on my mind.  Try to find two exits, keep my wife and kids close, and stay  away from common danger areas.  I am not paranoid, or think there is some great conspiracy I'm just observant. Oh and I am  a freaking horn dog who loves to look at the buffet of titts and ass :)

The post it note.

It's midnight here in Iraq and as usual im sitting here at my computer finishing up the endless reports and paperwork it takes to keep a fire station running.  I have spent a lot of money over the years on PDA's, organizers, and fancy note books in the attempt to win the battle of clutter and disorganization. The fire house I manage consists of 22 firefighters, 10 fire trucks, 2 buildings and 2 tents worth millions of dollars.  Out of all the planners and gadgets I have bought over the years I currently use none, hell I cant even tell you where they are.  How do I keep everything running smoothly?  The Post It note. I currently have three stuck together on my computer monitor.

1. Sand bag removal
2. vehicle maint. Cards
3. training records
4. pick up bottled water for station
5. finish writing letters of evaluation
6. build stairs for dayroom
7. training reports
8. body armor inspection
9. speak at airman's council 17th
10. fix broken roof in bunk #5
11. get hair cut
12. brief fire chief on inspection program

Now out of all of these things on the three small post-it notes I have completed all but three today (fuck its my day off). I will throw out these three yellow sticky things and start fresh with those three on a new one tomorrow. Not really sure what the hell I was thinking when I started writing this. Oh yeah making a list of things has become a habit that Jonette got me started on with the silver book.  I will save the silver book for another post.

1. lay off the coffee
2. free energy drinks at the chow hall is bad.
3. Starbucks is evil.
5. figure out why my hands are shaking.
6. make more coffee

Give me coffee or give me death.....

  I am laying in bed next to the one I love and want to spend the rest of my life with.  My arms are wrapped tightly around her with my hands in hers pulled tightly up to her chest.  I think to myself how beautiful she is, how it makes me shiver when I touch her face. While I lay there gently stroking her face the alarm clock goes off. I run the tips of my fingers across her lips one last time and reach for the blaring alarm clock to turn it off.  When I hit the tiny button on the clock I realize im still a world away from her in Iraq.

  I climb out of bed and feel the coarse sand under my feet as they hit the floor. I make my way to the coffee pot and pour the last of the precious Starbucks coffee into the filter that has been used three times already.  It is 4am and roll call is not for another three and a half hours.  I anxiously turn on my computer hoping to see an email or her signed on to MSN messenger.  Nope no luck yet I think to myself as I start to sort through the twenty other emails I did not have time to get to last night. Catching myself saying out out loud "That's your fucking job" and "I sent that to you yesterday asshole" I close my email and pour a cup of coffee grab my ciggarettes and head out to the courtyard for the reason I wake up so early now.  Ahhh yes the quiet of the morning a cup of that strong black caffine goodness, a ciggarette and some time to myself.

  Looking around the courtyard I can feel the time ticking away. In another three hours the chaos will start again.  I have always worked good under pressure.  I am the worlds biggest procrastinator.  I will put off some things because I know that I produce my best work with pressure.  I even enjoy it most of the time but I am beginning to hate it.  The amount of pain, suffering, and blood have taken their toll on my mind and body.  I sit here hoping for a building fully engulfed in flames. I still love the feeling of the heat hitting me as I crash through a door.  In the back of my head though I know I will have to see and do things I would not wish on my worst enemy.  Oh well I think that is the reason ive been searching for, the reason im here. Who am I to question that? Is it fate? Hmmmm questions I will have to ponder on future mornings if the coffe does not run out.

 

 

If there is a hell.....

Tired no energy or emotion left to give.  Bloody hands.. Screams of pain.  Calling for mothers, wives, and girlfriends.  The sounds of explosions, gun fire, and sirens rattle my brain and nerves.  Thoughts of home, thoughts of Jo, and thoughts of seeing my children drift into my mind only to be driven out by the screams and explosions.  I'm not a religious person but if hell does exist it is here.